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The Washington Post Awards? . . . well not really!

 

But first a word on the mismanagement on this page by of your Webmaster:

While the Style Editor, Pat Myers of the Washington Post, kindly advises me the newspaper does not sponsor a MENSA Award, (or why the Internet sometimes just drives me nuts), and that while these awards may be funny some have errors,** she would like me to advise you to visit the Washington Post's real award section known as the Style Invitational Contest.

Please be aware to view this section you will be required to give an e-mail address and password, but the content to this section as of this writing is free (2/6/10).

In looking over the Post's Style Invitational Contest submissions, here are two that caught my eye.

Death Poetry Jam, Week number 850 (copyright Washington Post):

Berta Rosenberg, world's oldest Jew,
At 112, her days were through.
Her only regret was she'd told the waiter,
"I'll eat half now, save the rest for later." (Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.)

AND

We'll miss you, David Carradine, although you brought some shame
To what had been a well-respected acting family name.
The way you snatched that pebble was essential to your show,
But how you got your rocks off, sir, we didn't need to know. (Brendan Beary)

** And finally from Pat on my MESNA posting, (she does know how to hurt a guy), she writes, -"decafalon" isn't a one-letter change from "decathlon," is it? Or "caterpallor"? - Pat Myers, Style Section, Feb 6, 2010

_____________________________

 

Now, onto what I had originally posted

The 2009 Winners

But not from the Washington Post, instead from someone's very funny imagination.

1. Cashtration (n ): The act of buying a house which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7.  Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, right?

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And now for some alternate meanings for common words. And the Winners were said to be:

1. Coffee: (n. ) The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted: (adj. ) Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate: (v. ) To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade: (v. ) To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly: (adj. ) Impotent.

6. Negligent: (adj.) Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph: (v. ) To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle: (n. ) Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence: (n. ) Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash: (n. ) A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle: (n. ) A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude: (n. ) The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

 13. Pokemon: (n. ) A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster: (n. ) A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism: (n. ) The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent: (n. ) An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.